


The Masquerade

by KristinaR415



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Asthma, Bottom Harry, Bully, Crossdressing, Dominant Louis, F/M, First Time, Friends to Lovers, Genderswap, M/M, Marcel (Best Song Ever) kinda, Nerd Harry, Panic Attacks, Pegging, Questioning Sexuality, Rape, Sad, Sometimes Feminine Harry, Strap-Ons, Submissive Harry, Top Louis, Traumatized
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-02
Updated: 2017-08-13
Packaged: 2018-04-24 13:59:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,004
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4922245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KristinaR415/pseuds/KristinaR415
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Marcel Milward Cox turns to Harry Edward Styles after he was raped by the jocks who bullied him, He moved, changed his name and his reputation and style. He became popular and hid his past behind a shield of cheekiness and popularity. He’s gay, but one girl changes all that...</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

_I'm walking down the hall when I suddenly trip over something and that something being a leg, which belongs to a jock who had stuck it out for me to trip over. I smash my nose into my books that landed right where my head landed. I moan in pain and pull my head up to rub my sore nose. I look at my hand, no blood, phew. Someone grabs my shoulders and hauls me up. I come face to face with Nick Grimshaw, the football captain and biggest jerk of Cheshire high school. He's one of the guys that beat me up on a daily basis, oh and my name is Marcel Cox, Cox is my mother's maiden name because she changed it to Twist when her and my stepfather got married. Well enough about that. I find myself in a sticky situation I have no idea how to get out of; even I can't think in a situation, where you're faced with 5 of the biggest and strongest guys in the middle of a deserted school hallway and no one to come to your aid. I know I'm screwed and there's no one I know that will come and rescue me, well mostly because I don't have any friends, that's simply what happens when you dress like the nerdiest **(A/N is that even a word?)** of nerds. Of course, I choose to dress like a nerd and I like it, but others bully me, because of that fact. Sometimes I wish I dressed like any other boy, but no I have to dress like I do and just to make it worse, be gay. No one understands how hard it really is to be yourself in high school, everyone's judging you and when you're not like everyone else, they pick on you and break you and... Maybe your innocence is stolen.  _

_Nick and his friends have been against me ever since I came out and that was about a year ago. I hate myself for doing it, but I thought it would change if I stood up for myself and showed them, that I wasn't afraid of them. It didn't work. It became worse. They took every chance they got, to bully me and hurt me. I became immune to their words after a while, so they moved on to punches and kicks and everything in between. I never thought it could be this bad, but right now, I just want to go home, but no they have to tease me again._

_"Here goes the fag with his books and big glasses. How do you feel after you came out? Do you feel better? You probably do, but we'll change that" Nick says and I just stand there, staring up at him, unaffected, yes, he's taller than me and my 5 ft. 11 inches. He laughs and grabs me by my arm and drags me to the men's room. He throws me against the wall and lets two of his followers stand guard at the door, to make sure no one enters. The other two grabs me in a tight grip and holds me against the wall. I grit my teeth in pain but stop when Nick stands in front of me. He rips my boots off my feet and throws them in the direction of the door, and then he takes a hold of my shirt and rips it to pieces. In that moment, it occurred to me what they were doing and I didn't want that, not yet and not like this. He then proceeds to rip my jeans and pants off in one go and throws them to the floor. I begin to thrash and struggle against the tight hold they have on me, to no avail. I can feel the bruises forming on my forearms and the humiliation seeping into every pore of my body._

_My clothes were gone and so was my dignity. I started to cry and struggle even more, but they just take a leg each, also in a tight grip, and hold them in the air, spread apart and revealing my most intimate area. The area I wanted no one to see, not yet and not like this. I can feel more bruises forming in their tight grips on my legs._

_Nick reaches for his belt and opens it. He drops it on the floor and looks me in the eyes when he drops his jeans and pants in one go. I watch as his freakishly big penis springs free. I don't look closer at it. I keep my eyes on the wall behind Nick. I don't know what he's doing, but I had given up fighting. They're much too big for me to break free. I just want it to be over and done with._

_I feel something rub me between my arse cheeks and suddenly I feel a pressure and that pressure turns to agonising pain. Nick's penis is going inside, dry, and unprepared. I had once fantasised of my first time, of how it would turn out, but I never imagined it would be like this. I can feel him as he pushes inside. I can feel every inch of him and it hurts. It hurts when he pulls out. It hurts when he pushes back inside. I can feel myself beginning to bleed and that makes the slide easier and it becomes less painful, but nevertheless, is it painful and it feels like forever, before he finally finishes. He comes inside and it soothes a bit and I feel better when he's out, but he just switches with one of the guards at the door. The guard does the same thing, but he whispers in my ear. "Do you feel good slut? Does it feel good to be pounded? Does it feel good when we fill you up?" I cry out in pain as he pushes inside and starts a brutal pace. It's even more painful and I can feel Nick's sperm and my blood seeping out. ‘Please be over soon, please be over soon'. I keep repeating that over, and over again as they each have a turn, pushing in and starting a brutal and painful pace that makes me want to die._

_When the last one is pounding in me, he suddenly grabs my flaccid cock and begins pumping me. That makes me feel disgusting because it feels good and I become hard. I try to think of disgusting things like my grandma naked and my parents having sex, but it doesn't help. He begins whispering filth in my ear and that makes me cry because this is humiliating. He's calling me names and accusing me of liking it because I'm hard. He hits my prostate and I come on my stomach while he comes in me and pulls out, a flow of come following._

_They have now all had their turn, so they just drop me to the ground without a second thought and I land on my butt with a piercing scream. It hurts like hell and it would take a while for the pain to disappear. They just put on their clothes and walks out the door, without a second glance and without a word being said. They'll probably talk about it nonstop for a week, about how they fucked the innocent nerd and took his virginity and about how tight and good he felt when they fucked the innocence out of him. I shake my head and look down, covered in my own come and blood, with even more flowing out of me and onto the floor._

_I look for something to wear, but my clothes are too ruined, so I look for my phone and find it under the sink in a pile of my clothes. I dial my sister's number because there's no way I want my mum to know about this incident already. I hold the phone against my ear and I hear the familiar beeping through the speaker. "Hey, it's Gemma," she says through the phone and I take a deep breath to get my shit together "Gemma, it's Marcel. I need you to come pick me up from the men's room at my school by the entrance... Oh and bring some clothes... Please" I say "ooookay? Why?" she asks and I can picture how she has her eyebrows raised in question. "You'll find out when you arrive," I say and hang up. I hope she can come because I really need someone. I lean against the wall facing the door; Waiting. I sit there waiting and mourning the loss I have suffered. I was never gonna have the perfect first time everyone dreamed of having. That was ruined. I have suffered a great loss. Something I had guarded so well hadn't been as guarded as I thought. It was taken, lost and I would always remember the pain and blood. That moment he went inside will forever be burned into my mind. My big head was no match against their muscles._

_My head goes up fast when the door opens. What meets me is Gemma standing there, bearing a gym bag. She's just staring directly at me and my bruised body.  She suddenly leaps forward and takes me into her arms and it's in that moment I discover, that I was crying. I wrap my arms around her and start to sob. I had lost something I could never get back. I want to go home and try to forget this horrible day, but I know that wouldn't be possible. "I want to go home" I manage between sobs. She nods against my shoulder and gets up to get the gym bag she had apparently dropped. She zips it open and takes out a towel and some of the clothes that had been at the back of my closet. How did she know I wouldn't wear what I normally do? She helps me stand up and rubs the towel all over my body, even between my bum cheeks and I let out a whimper when she does. It hurts and then she dresses me like I'm a child, but in this moment, I am. She helps me out to the car and we're on our way home._


	2. The beginning

I wake up covered in sweat and I feel like I haven't slept at all. I look at my alarm clock and see that it's only 5 am, but I get up anyway because I know that I'm not gonna get any more sleep. I can never get back to sleep after reliving that horrible day. The day I changed to something I never wanted, the day I decided to move, decided to change, decided to hide behind a facade of something I never was and thought I would never be. A year ago, I was a nerd, dressed like it, acted like it and was bullied, but now...

I open my closet and I'm met with skinny jeans, white and black shirts and some floral shirts for when I feel a bit feminine, as I do quite a lot, seeing as I'm gay and proud. I have no trouble showing my feminine side and though I like boys, I have been scarred for life, so I've sworn off of them for a while. I just hope to be normal again soon, because I really want to be able to be with a boy the way I want to. I want to be able to be intimate with a boy and fall in love with him, but I'm also too traumatised from the rape. I'm too afraid and I really don't trust that many boys. I have my best friends, but that's it and that's not gonna change anytime soon and I'll never think of them as anything more than friends.

I look through the closet and pull a few items out. I put on a couple of white shorts and a pink tank top and throw on my running shoes. I tie a bandana in my hair, because it's now reached past my ears and almost right above my shoulder, but not quite yet. I've always wanted to look more feminine than I do naturally, so I'm growing it out, to look like I've always wanted.

I plug in my headphones and put on Ed Sheeran. I slowly walk downstairs and out the door. That's one thing I began doing also; exercise, running and working out. I want to be able to defend myself if it ever gets necessary. I don't want something to happen again, not something that can break me even more than I already am. I won't be able to handle it. I can't even handle what happened to me, so I just want to be strong enough to be able to fight back and get away unharmed.

When I run, I start out by walking for a bit to get myself warm and then I stop and stretch out for a bit. Afterwards, I begin running. I usually do this at 7 in the morning, because I have to go to school at 9 am, so I have lots of time before that, but I also have to shower. I run for a half an hour, stretch out and walk the rest of the way home. I shower right when I get home; dress for school and then I usually make breakfast for me, my mum and stepfather.

I usually run into a few people walking their dogs, but today there are of course none because it's so early and they begin walking their dogs at 6 in the morning, so it's still too early. This means I'm all alone, which I haven't been since the rape. After it happened, I requested that we moved and that was that. We did and my older sister Gemma moved too, so she could still be close to us and because I needed all the support I could get.

Since I had to start at a new school, I thought the nerd had to go, so I changed before I even started at Doncaster high school. I bought a lot of new clothes and got rid of the old nerdy clothes. I also found some ‘normal' clothes in the closet, that I kept and now use because it fits my new style. I love my new style and I even dropped the glasses. I had to because they looked too nerdy. I changed my style, my personality, and my name. I now go by Harry Edward Styles. Harry Edward was to have been my twin, but he died in the womb, so we never got to know him, Styles is my biological father's last name, so I just thought ‘why not?' and changed it to that. I changed it officially so that none of my former school mates would ever be able to find me. Marcel Milward Cox is dead to me and everyone else in my family. I was reborn after the rape; I was a completely new person. I like this new person, but I know that I'm hiding behind a facade, that no one's able to look through, besides my family. I'm still smart and get good grades, but now people notice me. People like me and want to hang out with me, but I only have 5 close friends, everyone else is just acquaintances. Everyone wants to be close to me, because I'm hot and popular, but that's the only reason. No one really takes the time to get to know me, other than my friends of course, even though I haven't told anyone about the rape, only my family and my counsellor. I haven't told my friends yet. I don't have the courage. I'm afraid they'll hate me or bully me, because of it. I can't let that happen, I can't be alone, not again.

I keep running and make a turn, but I stop mid-turn because I have a sudden flashback of the rape. The look in Nicks' eyes as he penetrates me for the very first time, the first time I was ever penetrated. The first time anything ever went inside of me like that. I had been a good boy and had waited for the right person, hadn't even fingered myself. I wanted to wait for the right person and he would be the one to have all my firsts, but Nick took that away. I know that he didn't finger me, but he penetrated me and that was worse than fingering. I still haven't fingered myself, because I'm too traumatised. Trust me I want to, but I just can't get myself to do it. I haven't even wanked in a year. Tears gather in my eyes. I just want to be normal, to not be traumatised and to be able to masturbate without thinking of Him, without thinking of that horrible event. Tears drip down my cheeks and I start running home.

When I get inside, I slam the door closed and slide down it to sit on the floor and thus leaning against it. I lean my head on the door and I just cry. Not long after, it turns to sobs and I feel like shit and like I can't breathe. I start scratching my throat. I start to heave for breath and I know I need my inhaler, but I'm not thinking clearly, until suddenly, someone's in front of me, pressing the muzzle of the inhaler to my mouth. I open and it puffs into my mouth. I breathe slowly and start to be able to catch my breath. I feel relieved, yet mad, that they didn't just let me die, because sometimes it gets so bad, that I just want to end it all. I want it to stop.

The person that came to my rescue looks me in the eyes and pulls me into her chest. She makes comforting noises and rocks me in her comforting arms. I recognise it as Gemma, my sister older by 5 years, even though in her eyes I've always been her baby brother like I'm a lot younger than her. Well, I'm not, but right now I just need comfort and she's as good as anyone right now. I hold on tighter to her and sob into her shirt. I always feel so vulnerable when crying, so I seek to hide my face because I feel embarrassed. I also feel like a girl whenever I cry. I know that that's an insult to girls, but I just feel like a sissy and I may be a mother's boy and I may be feminine, but I'm no sissy. I've survived the aftermath of a freaking rape and I'm traumatised. I may never be able to have a normal sex life. I may never be able to even have sex. That experience ruined it for me. I feel broken and used and worthless. Everyone may know me as the cheeky, handsome, and funny guy, but inside I'm broken, traumatised and insecure. I feel like a used toy or even a sex toy. I feel like no will ever want me or be able to love me outside of my family, who have supported and comforted me through it all. They still do whenever I cry or feel like shit or whenever I talk shit about myself to feed my insecurity. I have this thing I do whenever I feel sad or mad or happy, I begin to talk trash about myself to make me feel worse and sadder, and like I don't deserve to ever be happy or deserve someone who loves me.

I pull away from my sister and look up at her with tears still in my eyes. "Please make it stop," I say and look at the floor "I just want it to stop. I want to be normal" Gemma lifts my chin "you've never been normal. You've always been special. I get that you want to forget, but it's not that easy to just forget something like that. I can see how much it's hurting you, but we can only do so much to help you, you need a professional" she says with glassy eyes. I shake my head and push her away. "I'm not doing that. I'm going to take a shower" I say while going up the stairs.

I like when the water cascades down my body. My hair's dripping, but I like it. It feels like all the nightmares are being flushed down the drain. I look down at my limp member. The last time it was touched sexually, was during the rape and that makes me sad because I really want to feel good again, but I feel dirty and I feel like I don't deserve to feel good. I feel used and worthless and that's not good. I think about all those bad things and imagine that they're being flushed down the drain and that helps me. I wash my body and turn off the water. I wrap a towel around my waist and wipe the steam off the mirror, so I can look at myself and get ready for a new day. I dry my hair with a hair dryer and brush through it a few times. I look in the mirror and feel very confident about my look today. I walk out of my bathroom and into my bedroom to figure out what I want to wear. I open my closet and I look at the selection. I decide to take out some white skinny jeans that are actually for women and a pink floral shirt because I'm feeling feminine today. Sometimes I just want to be pretty and I always feel pretty in pink. I put the clothes on the bed and then I find some boxers to wear. I decide that white will be the best choice because I want to wear white jeans. I take the towel wrapped around my waist off and let it fall to the floor. I put on my boxers and the rest of my clothes, but only do a few buttons on the shirt, so you can see the butterfly tattoo on my stomach. I got quite a few tattoos after we moved and they make me feel better about myself, so when people tell me to cover up I just don't do it, because they make me feel confident in myself. I look in the mirror and then I decide that something's missing. I then put on some of my rings, because they make me feel better too, and they complete the outfit. I nod to myself in the mirror and walk downstairs.

I start to make breakfast for my mum, step-dad, myself and possibly Gemma because she probably hasn't eaten. I take out some eggs, bacon and things to make pancakes because I feel great this morning and would like to make something delicious for breakfast. I take out a pan for eggs and another for bacon and a third for pancakes. I turn on the stove and put the pans on, to heat them up, so I can put some butter on. I make the pancake batter while waiting and after whisking, I take out the butter and put some on the pans. I crack some eggs on a pan and put some bacon on another and then I pour batter on the last one.

I start to hum a song and dance a bit when suddenly "what's happening?" is asked right in my ear, making me jump a couple of inches off the ground. I turn around and I'm face to face with my mum. "No good morning?" she asks. I shake my head and give her a hug, and then I go back to supervising the pans. "Good morning dear mother," I say and she laughs "good morning beloved son," she says and it's my turn to laugh. I take a pancake off the pan and pour batter on it afterwards.

"You feeling good today?" asked my step-dad, when he walked into the kitchen. "Yeah, pretty great. Good morning dad" I say, even though I will always call him step-dad in my head, I call him dad around other people. "Good morning, son," he says back and sits down at the table to read the newspaper like always. I go back to the food, but then something winds through my legs and I know what it is; it's a hungry cat. "Oh, I almost forgot you," I say and put some food in her bowl. She immediately starts to eat and I take the bacon and eggs off the pans and onto some plates, while I finish the pancakes.

I turn off the stove right when Gemma steps into the kitchen. "Is it pancakes that I smell?" she asks and sniffs the air. "Yes, it is, and good morning to you too," I say and put the plates on the table, one for mum, one for me, one for Robin and one for Gemma and the last one for all the pancakes. I put the pans in the sink and then I sit down too. "So, are you feeling better now?" Gemma asks and looks at me while doing it "yes, I'm great. I feel like this will be a good day" I say and then continue eating my breakfast before I have to go to school.


	3. The new kids

I begin the walk to school early, so I can enjoy the magnificent thing that is nature. I've always enjoyed it, mostly because I sought out the comfort of nature and fresh air when I dressed like a total nerd. And I was also alone because I had chosen a spot where no one ventured, it was my safe haven. I was protected from Nick and his friends. It was the only place I was free of them. Anywhere else and they'd be there, even the school library. I was never safe there, but now it's so much better.  I don't bully people, but I am on the school's swimming team. Captain even, because I'm a good swimmer and the others go to me for advice about how to do that and that, so yeah, I became captain of the school's swimming team pretty soon after starting there.

I take a sniff of the beautiful nature, but still, make sure that I have some medicine for my hay fever and my inhaler if needed. I look at all the pretty flowers and beautiful green trees that I pass on my way. I close my eyes for a moment and enjoy the sun on my face. I sigh and keep walking, to reach the school in time. I've never been late before and I'll never start. I've always been the teacher's favourite because I raise my hand and I always come to my classes a few minutes before they start. Someone might call me a teacher's pet, but if they do, I'm not going to react, because I'll be used to that.

I finally reach the school and a big ball of energy and blond hair run into me and makes me tumble backwards. I pat his back and he gets up. I sit up and take the hand he's offering. He pulls me up "hello to you too, Niall," I say and rub my sore back like I don't have enough trouble with that already, he has to knock me on my back. I wrap my free arm around his shoulder "could you stop doing that whenever you see me, because I'm going to need to go to the chiropractor if you keep doing that, because my back is going to kill me very soon and I'll have you pay the bill" I say and he holds his hands up in surrender. "I'm sorry dude, I didn't know. I'll try to stop doing it from now on" he says and I nod at him and we start walking again side by side.

"So, have you seen Liam yet or Luke or any of the others?" I ask and Niall shakes his head "but I heard a bird say, that some new kids are starting today, in our grade" Niall says while wagging his eyebrows. I laugh at his antics and then start walking again when I notice a swarm of people in the middle of the hall. I stop and tap a girl nearby on the shoulder. She turns and gasps when seeing me "could you be a dear and explain what's going on because I'm a bit clueless," I say and she nods so fast that I'm afraid her head's going to fall off. "The new kids have arrived and everyone wants to know them because they look cool," she says and I raise my eyebrows "well, I'll be the judge of that," I say and walk past her. I don't need to look behind me to know that Niall's following me.

We reach the middle of the crowd and I immediately see her, a short haired girl wearing a black hoodie, grey baggy pants and a cap turned on backwards. I like her the second I see her and I walk up to her. She looks up at me "and who are you?" she asks and I hold out my hand, which she takes "Harry, you?" I ask she smiles "Louise, but I always tell people to call me Louis or preferably Lou" "ok, Lou, welcome to Doncaster High school," I say and notice that we're still shaking hands, so I drop her hand as unnoticeably as I can. "Excuse me for asking, but what's your role in this school?" she asks and I look at her confused.  She sighs "popular, nerd, jock... what are you?" "Well, I'm probably all of the above," I say with a shrug of my shoulders. She looks at me confused "what?" she asks "I'm popular, a nerd and a jock, but I don't bully people to keep my reputation" I say and she nods "how can you be all that at the same time?" she asks, astounded "I've always been pretty smart and I'm good at swimming, so I joined the team here and I'm popular because of the team and my looks" I say and look down at myself as a statement. She looks me up and down and nods to herself. "Not bad, 7 out 10," she says. I act offended "only 7," I say outraged "well, I would've given you a 10 if you were more you than you are right now" "what do you mean?" "I mean what I said, you're not acting like yourself" I fish mouth. "I'll give you 10 out of 10 because your style of clothing is very distinctive and you're very witty," I say turning red in the face. I turn around and push myself through the crowd, so I can get a moment alone.

I walk into the bathroom and lean against the sink, looking in the mirror. Did she figure it out just by looking at me? Did she figure out my secret? OMG, what do I do? If she figured it out, how can I keep it a secret? If she can figure it out, then others can too. I'm screwed. I walk into one of the stalls and close the door, so I can sit against the door. I hold my head in my hands and will myself not to cry. I had been feeling so good, but now I feel like crap and I don't like that. She's too good at reading people and sometimes that's not a good trait.

I walk into my English lit class and see Niall, Liam, Luke, Michael and Calum sitting together with Lou and some other kid. I walk over to them and in front of the new kid. "Excuse me, I don't think we've met. I'm Harry" I say, holding out my hand, which the boy takes "Ashton," he says and we let go of each other's hands. I look at Lou and give her a nod, and then I sit down. I'd give Ashton 8 out of 10, because he looks a bit like me, a bit too much. Wonder if they're dating or something, they look like they know each other. "Alright class, I'd like to introduce our new students, Louise and Ashton, would you come up here, please?" Mrs Thomson says and they both get up to stand in front of the class. "Hi, I'm Louise, but I'd like everyone to call me Lou or Louis" "hi, I'm Ashton and we both just moved here from London. We'd like it if people were nice to us because we're new and know nobody except each other" he says and everyone keeps quiet "lovely, let's get started. You can both sit down again" Mrs Thomson says. "Now, what we're doing today is studying the poem ‘The Raven' by Edgar Allen Poe, I will hand it out to you in a moment. I will also hand out a sheet with questions and I would like you to go two and two, remember the new students" she says and starts handing them out. I look at Lou, but she probably wants to work with Ashton, so I turn to ask Niall or Liam, when "Harry, would you like to work together?" comes from my right side and I just turned left. I turn around again and come face to face with Lou. "Of course," I answer and she lets out a big gulp of air like she was holding her breath. I smile at her and take the papers when Mrs Thomson hands them to me. I look at them and remember that I already analysed ‘The Raven' at my other school because I had advanced classes. Lou sits beside me and looks at the papers. "Hey, I already read this, like last year," she says "what? Me too" I say. We both look at each other and a look crosses both our faces "advanced classes" we say at the exact same time. She laughs and I giggle, which makes me blush and hold a hand over my mouth to muffle them. "Hey, no need to hide; that sounded cute," she says and removes my hands, holding them in her much smaller ones. I feel so much larger than her when she does that and I don’t like it. I take my hands back "so do we need to answer the questions then?" I ask her and she just nods. I sigh and we both get to work, talking to each other occasionally, but when the bell rings, I'm one of the first ones out of there; no need to stay with her for longer than necessary.

I walk outside to think for a bit. Why am I afraid of her? How can she do that? How can she make me afraid of her? "Afraid of whom?" someone asks. I jump in the air and hold my hands against my fast beating heart. "Don't scare me like that?" I say "sorry," she says. I look into her eyes, those blue, blue eyes that you can just get lost in. I shake my head and quickly walk away from there. I need to stay away from her. I don't need her to come here and figure out my secret so fast, when no one on the school knows, except the headmaster and some of the teachers, but she grabs my hand before I can get too far. "You didn't answer me, why?" she demands "It doesn't matter," I say and try to get away from her, but she has a tight grip on my wrist and that sends me back to That Moment. The moment they took a hold of me and gripped me tightly, so I use all my strength and get free. I run away from her, but I start to have some trouble breathing, so I run inside and get to my locker faster than the wind. I have trouble unlocking my locker, but finally get it unlocked. I open my backpack and I take out my inhaler, that I hold to my mouth and then I press a few times. My breathing starts to slow, so I take it out and put it back. I lock the locker again, but when I slam it closed, I see that someone had been standing behind it. I grab my heart "again, seriously" I say "you ran away so fast, I thought something was wrong. Something happened to you. You had a panic attack" she said and I just couldn't hold the tears anymore, they ran down my cheeks. "Yes, something happened, something horrible, but not something I could tell you now, I don't know you," I say, trying to dry my, still running, tears. "Yet" she states "what?" I ask furrowing my eyebrows "you don't know me yet, but if you're willing to try, and of course hang out with Ashton, I'd like to get to know you and you, me" she says. I pretend to think it over and then I nod. She swings her arms around my neck "I feel like this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship" she says excitedly. I don't know where to put my hands, so they just flail in the air until she wraps them around her waist. "Hmm, that's better" she states "You're allowed to hug back," she says and I hold her a bit tighter. I also feel that this is the beginning of a friendship, but I have a suspicion that she'll be the first of my friends to know my secret.

 


	4. Music and trust

I wake up with a pounding headache because I decided that being up until 2 in the morning was a good idea on a school night, so I drank lots of coffee to stay awake. I had been doing homework that needed to be done for today, but I had been too busy with my friends to do it, so I just decided to stay up until it was finished. I was really tired once I got into bed, so I was out like a light, but now I have a headache. I get out of bed to find some painkillers, which I find in my bathroom cabinet. I take out 2, pop them into my mouth and then I drink some water to flush them down. I look at myself in the mirror and decide that I look like shit, but I can still look great today after my shower. I shower, dry, and brush my hair and put it in a bun. I walk into my room and just grab some random boxers, a hoodie, some sweatpants, and a random headband. I put it on and go downstairs to make simple breakfast today, just some waffles that I heat up in the toaster. I grab some milk and juice and some plates for the waffles. I turn on the coffeemaker and put in a filter, some water, and some coffee powder. The waffles pop up, just as my lovely mother and stepfather step into the kitchen. I take them out and put them on plates. I take out some syrup and jam. I sit down with the plates and start to eat my breakfast. "How're you feeling this morning?" my mum asks "I'm tired, but that's my own fault and I just want to lie down and die. But I have to go to school, because I stayed up late last night to do homework for today, so I would like to actually see how they like it" "what is it?" my mom asks, "it's a song called ‘little me' for our music class" I say and then I don't elaborate, because it's actually about myself, my own insecurities and about my past. I eat my breakfast and then I head to school.

I open the door to the school and the first person I see is Lou, so I walk over to her "hey" I say and she turns towards me and looks me up and down. "No skinny jeans or floral shirts today?" she asks "no, we're going to show our songs today, so I'd like to be as comfortable as possible and this is just that," I say while gesturing to my choice of clothing. She just shrugs "whatever floats your boat," she says and walks away and what did she mean by that? That girl is too good at reading people, she knows too much and that can get her hurt someday if she knows something about somebody who' dangerous. She can get hurt and that makes me sad, but it'll be her own fault. Why am I even worried about her? It's not like we're actually friends. We're just getting to know each other, we're not even in the friend zone yet, we're in the zone before that.

I take a deep breath when Mr. Nelson calls me up to perform my song for the class. I take my song text and notes with me and sit by the piano, so I can play on that while singing. I place my text in front of me "I'd like to sing this song, I wrote myself, called ‘Little Me' hope you enjoy it" I say into the mic, then I take a deep breath and I start playing, but before I start singing, I take one last deep breath and then it begins:

_She lives in the shadow of a lonely girl_

_Voice so quiet you don't hear a word_

_Always talking but she can't be heard_

_You can see it there if you catch her eye_

_I know she's brave but it's trapped inside_

_Scared to talk but she don't know why_

_Wish I knew back then_

_What I know now_

_Wish I could somehow_

_Go back in time and maybe listen to my own advice_

_I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out_

_Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder_

_Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful_

_Everything she doesn't see_

_You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out_

_And know that right here, right now_

_You can be beautiful, wonderful_

_Anything you wanna be_

_Little me_

_Yeah you got a lot of time to act your age_

_You cannot write a book from a single page_

_Hands on the clock only turn one way_

_(Yeah)_

_Run too fast and risk it all_

_Can't be afraid to take a fall_

_Felt so big but you looked so small_

_Wish I knew back then_

_What I know now_

_Wish I could somehow_

_Go back in time and maybe listen to my own advice_

_I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out_

_Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder_

_Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful_

_Everything she doesn't see_

_You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out_

_And know that right here, right now_

_You can be beautiful, wonderful_

_Anything you wanna be, oh_

_Little me_

_Little me_

_Tell you one thing I would say to her_

_I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out_

_Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder_

_Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful_

_Everything she doesn't see_

_You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out_

_And know that right here, right now_

_You can be beautiful, wonderful_

_Anything you wanna be (little me)_

_I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out_

_Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder_

_Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful_

_Everything she doesn't see_

_You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out_

_And know that right here, right now_

_You can be beautiful, wonderful_

_Anything you wanna be_

_I'd tell her to speak up, tell her to shout out_

_Talk a bit louder, be a bit prouder_

_Tell her she's beautiful, wonderful_

_Everything she doesn't see_

_You gotta speak up, you gotta shout out_

_And know that right here, right now_

_You can be beautiful, wonderful_

_Anything you wanna be_

_Little me_

I hear the class applause when I finish the last note and I can feel my face getting warm, so I try to hide it. "Hey, don't hide, you look wonderful when you blush" I hear Lou say and that makes me redder, so I just grab my things and go down to my seat. "That was amazing, Harry, and you did it all by yourself?" Mr. Nelson asks "yes, I did, sir" I answer "brilliant, you get an A on your song," he says "now, which one to go on next," he says and hhmms a bit. He then points to Lou and says "Louis, I'd like to hear what you wrote now" he says and Lou gets up and picks up the guitar. She sits in a chair and starts by strumming the guitar. She then starts playing "I'd like to play a song called ‘what makes you beautiful' by yours truly," she says and just starts to sing:

_You're insecure,_

_Don't know what for,_

_You're turning heads when you walk through the door,_

_Don't need make-up, to cover up,_

_Being the way that you are is enough_

_Everyone else in the room can see it,_

_Everyone else but you_

_Baby, you light up my world like nobody else,_

_The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed,_

_But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell,_

_You don't know, oh-oh,_

_You don't know you're beautiful,_

_If only you saw what I can see,_

_You'll understand why I want you so desperately,_

_Right now, I'm looking at you and I can't believe,_

_You don't know, oh-oh,_

_You don't know you're beautiful, oh-oh,_

_That's what makes you beautiful_

_So, come on, you got it wrong,_

_To prove I'm right, I put it in a song,_

_I don't know why you're being shy,_

_And turn away when I look into your eye eye eyes_

_Everyone else in the room can see it,_

_Everyone else but you_

_Baby, you light up my world like nobody else,_

_The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed,_

_But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell,_

_You don't know, oh-oh,_

_You don't know you're beautiful,_

_If only you saw what I can see,_

_You'll understand why I want you so desperately,_

_Right now, I'm looking at you and I can't believe,_

_You don't know, oh-oh,_

_You don't know you're beautiful, oh-oh,_

_That's what makes you beautiful_

_(Na na na na na na na)_

_Baby, you light up my world like nobody else,_

_The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed,_

_But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell,_

_You don't know, oh-oh,_

_You don't know you're beautiful_

_Baby, you light up my world like nobody else,_

_The way that you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed,_

_But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell,_

_You don't know, oh-oh,_

_You don't know you're beautiful,_

_If only you saw what I can see,_

_You'll understand why I want you so desperately,_

_Right now, I'm looking at you and I can't believe,_

_You don't know, oh-oh,_

_You don't know you're beautiful, oh-oh,_

_You don't know you're beautiful, oh-oh,_

_That's what makes you beautiful_

 

When she's done, they all applause, but I just sit there, staring at her, because she had been staring at me through the song. I just know that she knows that I have insecurities. I scramble up from my chair and run out the door as fast as I can. I can hear the others yelling at me, but I just keep running as tears run down my cheeks. How could she do that? How can a person do that? Why did she do that?

I can hear someone running behind me, but that doesn't stop me, it just spurs me on, but the person catches up to me and grabs my arms to get me to stop, which I do because I don't want to struggle. "Why?" I just ask while standing there and looking at my shoes. I can see my tears drip onto them and the floor, but it doesn't matter. "Why I did it? I wanted you to know that even though you feel insecure, you are beautiful no matter what you think. I think you're beautiful, sweet and wonderful, simply a sweetheart" she says "how?" I ask "how can you say that? You don't know what happened to me, but when you do, you'll probably think differently" I say and try to walk away, but she won't let me "just tell me, because I know that nothing you say can make me hate you or think badly of you" she says and that makes me cry even harder. "Ssshhh," she says and pulls me to her chest. I hide my face in her neck because I feel like such a crybaby. "It's okay to cry. You'll feel so much better afterwards. You need to tell someone your secret" she says "my family knows, the principal and some teachers do too. Not even one of my friends do" I say and she shushes me, so I shut up and just hug her. "I don't trust any of my friends with it because I'm afraid they're going to leave me when I do," I say into her neck, inhaling her scent, and trying not to cry on her shirt. "Hey, I get it, you're afraid that they're going to leave, but you just have to pick up the courage and at least tell one of your friends. You need someone here that knows what happened" she says "I just… I'm terrified of losing them. I do want to tell them at some point, but not yet" I say "it's okay, take all the time you need" she says while rubbing my back. I feel a strange urge to purr like a cat because that feels good and after what she said, I feel like I want to tell her the secret soon. I may not have known her that long, but it feels like it. We've only known each other for like a week or something, but it feels like so much more and I just really want to tell someone, someone who might actually be able to help me. I decide that I want to tell her, I trust her like no one else, so I get closer to her ear and whisper "come to my house tomorrow after school" and I pull away completely to walk away. I don't look back at her and she doesn't call me back.


	5. The story

I've been nervous all day because this is the day that I'm going to tell a friend about what happened about a year ago before I moved to Doncaster. Today's the day that I tell someone my secret, my story which meant that this morning; I had been fussing over what to wear when finally settling for a lilac jumper and some black skinny jeans. I had taken forever when setting my hair, because should I wear it up? Or down? I ended up with down, so I just brushed it and I was done.

I'm kinda excited to know her reaction; I mean she looked like she knew a lot about me, just by looking at me the first time we met. I'm afraid, that she's already figured it out, but just want me to say it. Make me realise that it happened, make it real, but if only she knew how real it is to me. I'm afraid she's going to leave me like I expect the others to do when they demand to know my deepest, darkest secret. I think they know I'm hiding something, but they want me to be ready to tell them and tell them on my own account because they are my real friends and they care about me. They want me to be happy, but I don't believe I'll ever be happy. I'm afraid that I'll never find love. I'm afraid that no one will want me, when they hear what happened to me, when they hear how destroyed and scarred I am inside and out.

I take a deep breath and when the bell rings, I walk out of the last class of the day. I walk home while thinking about how to tell the story, how to tell about the pain and devastation that took place that fateful day. I can't even enjoy the nature, because of my nerves. What if she leaves me? What will happen then? Will I sink deeper into my misery and will I finally get a full-on depression and then eventually kill myself, because the one person I was falling in love with, would be leaving me. That thought makes me stop. Falling in love? Was I really falling in love with her? Was I really falling in love with a girl? I've never questioned my sexuality before, but perhaps I need to re-evaluate, because I may be something else, something more than gay, perhaps bi- or even pan. Maybe pan, because I've never really had any chances at getting to know people or explore different genders. I haven't had a crush or anything before. I've never had any feeling towards my friends other than friendship; maybe I just hadn't met the right one. I've never really thought this through, I just assumed when I wanted things no heterosexual man would want normally. I mean some do, but could I really call myself bisexual or pansexual or anything else. I don't know because I've never had the chance to explore before, but I guess I do now. I just need to figure it out and it doesn't have to be quick. I can give it time and then it'll come to me, but have I really fallen in love with Lou?

That gets me thinking about her eyes, her smile, her voice, and the beautiful words she had sung to me. I sigh and conclude that, yes, I am falling in love with Louis Tomlinson, a tom girl and a proud one of that. I can't believe I finally fell in love with someone, but I've only known her for like a week, so it's a bit too early to do anything about it. That makes me sad, but I don't want to move too fast and I need to figure out who I am sexually.

I start walking again and try to think about something else, but I can only think of her and her gorgeous body, so I begin to walk faster, so I can get home and take a cold shower, I look down... very cold shower.

I finally reach my house, lock myself inside and then I lock the door behind me, so I can go upstairs and shower; which I do immediately. I walk upstairs as fast as I can. I take off my clothes when I reach my bedroom and then I go into the shower and turn the cold water on. I just stand there for what feels like hours, but is probably only a few minutes, when I hear the doorbell ring. I don't think about whom it could be, I just wrap a towel around myself and walk downstairs to open the door and the person standing outside is Lou, so I just hide behind the door "hi Lou, please come in" I say to her while hiding. She smiles "hi Harry and thank you," she says while walking inside. "I just showered and forgot the time, so I'll just go and get some clothes on," I say, slamming the door and speed walking to the stairs while still feeling my cheeks burning. "No need to do that on my account" she yells after me and that makes my cheeks burn more.

I reach my room, where I find my clothes on the floor. I just look at them and then I decide to wear something else, which turns out to be a pink jumper and some white skinny jeans, then I put my wet hair up in a messy bun and I turn to walk downstairs when I notice a picture under my bed. I bend down to retrieve it. I stand up again and look at the picture, but I drop it immediately. It's a picture of me wearing my nerdy clothes and glasses. It's a picture of the person I was a year ago. I thought all those pictures were gone, having been thrown out, burned, or hidden in an album, but I pick it up again; might as well use it to tell the story. I walk downstairs to see that Lou is sitting on the couch.

"Hi," I say and stand in front of her "the reason I wanted you here today, was so I could tell you a story, my story," I say and take a deep breath. "Well, to start with something. This was me a year ago" I say and hand her the picture. She takes the picture and looks at it with a smile. "You're kidding, right?" she asks "I'm not kidding, that was me, my name was Marcel Milward Cox, but I changed it because I had been bullied for being too nerdy and for being gay. I had come out a year before it happened. I was all alone in the hallways, no one to save me or protect me and the fact that I had no friends, didn't help either. They came out of nowhere, my bullies, and they tripped me, but then they dragged me into the men's room. By the time I figured out what they were doing, it was too late; there was nothing I could do" I say and I feel a few tears trying to make their way out, so I start to pace.

"Two were standing guard, two were holding me up and one did the deed, to begin with. He was the captain of the football team, jock and bully. He... he..." I say, but I don't know how to say it. I start to cry. "I had been a good boy, I had waited, I wanted my first time to be someone special, so I had done nothing to my body, I had only ever touched my penis, nothing else and he just... he... he took away my first time, he raped me and when he had had his turn, the others had theirs. Five boys raped me one after another while I just wanted to die. I wanted it to be over; it hurt so bad and... all that blood, so much blood" I say and Lou pulls me onto her lap. "ssshh, it's okay to be sad. You lost something of importance that day and you'll never get it back" she says and I just bury my face in her neck and hold on tightly to her shirt. "I tried to fight them, but I was too weak. I tried, but he just did it. He just pushed inside, without anything, just pain and blood. I've wanted to die ever since because that hurt me and still hurts me. I have nightmares and flashbacks. I haven't touched myself ever since they made me come" I say and Lou pulls my face away from her neck, holding my face between her hands. "They forced you to come?" she asks and I nod. "Ohh, you poor thing," she says and puts my face to her shoulder "I'll be here, if you need me, all right?" she says and I nod into her shoulder. "You didn't deserve that, that you need to know. No one deserves that" she says and kisses my hair. I almost purr at that, but I can't purr, so I just settle for nuzzling her neck.

We both pull away after a while.  "What happened to them?" she asks "who?" I ask, cocking my head to the side "the bullies?" "I don't know. The last time I saw them, was when they walked out the door to the men's room. I haven't seen them since and I didn't report anything because I didn't want trouble. I wanted out. I wanted to get away from there. I never want to see them again" "why didn't you report them?" She asks while playing with one of my stray curls. "I hoped that if I didn't report it, then it wasn't real, it never happened, but it did and I can't just forget it like that. I wish I could, but I can't". We sit in silence for a while until; "Harry, have you ever gone to a psychologist?" she asks and I shake my head. "Why?" "I don't want to. I want to be able to handle this myself. I don't any outsiders to know my problems" "you don't like the thought of telling someone you don't know the biggest secret of your life. I get that, so if you don't want to, then don't. I'll be there for you if you ever need me. Just... call or text and I'll be there" Lou says and I throw my arms around her neck and hold her close to me. We sit like that for a while and I decide to get off her and I scratch my neck in awkwardness.

"Hey, just out of curiosity, have you ever been in love?" Lou asks "no," I say while shaking my head "you?" I ask, "only once, but he wanted to change me and the sex wasn't what I wanted" she answered and shrugged her shoulders like it was nothing. "No one should expect you to change, you are who you are and you look gorgeous the way you are" I say and I start to blush "oh, you always look so pretty" she says and I blush while looking down, because some people call me handsome, but I like pretty and beautiful more. "How did you know?" I ask, "know what?" she asks "that I don't like to be called handsome, but instead pretty and beautiful or something like that?" I ask "I just thought you would be that kind of person, considering you're sometimes feminine. I also think that you're gorgeous, lovely, and very sweet. Plus, I am a bit boyish, so we fit" she states. I just stare at her with a questioning look on my face "what?" I ask she sighs "I like you and I would like to see if this could go somewhere. I mean we can wait with the dating. I just wanted to tell you, that I think you're a wonderful person and that I'm happy I met you" she says and that makes me blush "I'm also happy that I met you. I'm just not ready to... date yet. I've never been on a date before, so I'd like to just be friends and see if anything else can happen" I say and she nods and holds me closer to her by having her arms around my waist. I tuck my head into her neck and sigh against her. I told her my story, now I just need to tell my other friends at some point. I think it's gonna be a while before I'm ready to tell them, but before that, I'll have Lou to confide in and I hope our relationship goes to the next level sometime in the future. I just hope I'll be ready for sexual stuff soon or else I'm going to explode.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been hoping to have some time for writing in a while and now I decided to write on this one. I've read it through and changed some things, not big changes, but they're still there. I hope you liked the new chapter. I hope to publish more chapters in my vacation, so this isn't the end yet.


	6. Sexuality...?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a chapter where Harry researches sexualities and figures out what he is...

I’m all alone as I sit down in front of my laptop on a Sunday, trying to google sexualities when I stumble upon a website with the seven types of sexuality. I click on it and I already know that heterosexuality is out of the question because I'm not feeling attracted to only girls. Homosexuality is also out of the question because I don't feel attracted to only boys apparently; at least not after the rape, because of the trauma. Which means, that I am sadly no longer gay and proud, rather quite frightened by the idea of men and having a relationship with them, because the rape ruined my perspective of the male gender, who I am unable to trust when they’re gay or bullies. This leaves bisexuality and pansexuality, perhaps also asexuality, because I’ve never really been sexually attracted to anyone other than Louis, who I’ve only known for about a week. I'm not transsexual either, because I am perfectly fine in my own body, even though I'm a bit feminine, I don't feel like a woman. Oh, yeah the seventh called polysexuality doesn't sound right to me. So, a choice between pan-, bi- and/or possibly asexuality. Damn, how does one know this? I feel so confused; how do I find out? How does one figure this out? I put my head in my hands. Oh god, my brain hurts, maybe I need some coffee? Yeah, that's it, that's what I need, caffeine.

I get up to go down in the kitchen and make some of that heavenly coffee, that I haven't had in a while, because I loved it before, during my nerdy phase. So, I haven't been wanting to drink it afterwards, because it reminded me of that terrible time. A time when I was never alone, because of all my bullies, who never gave me the opportunity of privacy on school grounds, because of my nerdiness.

I measure the amount of coffee powder that I want in my coffee. I pour it into the coffee machine and pour some water into it. I press the ‘on’ bottom and it roars to life, because it's not exactly new, far from it, it's about 15 years old, so it's like ancient, but it still works like a charm, kinda… not at all, but it works.

I wait for the coffee machine to finish while I google ‘asexual’ and go to ‘urban dictionary’ where I stumble upon the explanation on asexuality, which is:

‘ _A person who is not interested in or does not desire sexual activity, either within or outside of a relationship. Asexuality is not the same as celibacy, which is the willful decision to not act on sexual feelings. Asexuals, while not physically sexual-type folks, are none the less quite capable of loving, affectionate, romantic ties to others’_ and it also has a few explanations for different types of asexuals:

_Repulsed, who find sex and masturbation repulsive,_

_flexible, who are open to the idea of sex and may even enjoy it,_

_aromantic, who has little/no romantic drive and usually prefer to be single,_

_romantic, who has a romantic drive and wants to find a significant other._

Then there are different types of romantic asexuals:

_hetero-romantic, who are emotionally attracted to the opposite gender,_

_homo-romantic, who are emotionally attracted to the same gender,_

_bi-romantic, who are emotionally attracted to both genders,_

_pan-romantic, who are emotionally attracted to all genders._

Damn, that’s a lot. I go back to my google search and click one that says ‘… how to tell if you’re asexual’. It begins with an asexual that explains their experience with finding out that they are asexual and at the bottom, there are some questions to figure out if you’re asexual:

  * _Do you find other people sexy—in a way that makes you feel sexual desire or arousal, or a way that makes you think sex or sexual touching with that person would be satisfying (regardless of whether you’d actually do it)? If you don’t feel this with anyone, you may be asexual._ (Well, I only feel like that with Louis, of course, otherwise, I don’t).
  * _Do you develop sexual attraction every once in a while, but don’t find its pursuit or satisfaction intrinsically rewarding? Some people would call that asexual._ (Nope, not sexual attraction, not until I felt attracted to Louis, but I have been aroused).
  * _Do you think having sex (or the idea of having sex) is okay, but not very interesting or important? Could you take it or leave it, and find leaving it more convenient or preferable? Some people would call that asexual._ (I quite like the idea of sex but have been forced to live without it, even though I would prefer to have it, but with a person of my choosing).
  * _Do you feel sexual attraction sometimes, but only rarely? You may be gray-sexual, and you’ll have a lot in common with asexual people if you are_. (yeah, rarely, but only since Louis came into my life).
  * _Do you sometimes develop sexual attraction when you’ve already developed other important connections with someone, but never feel sexually attracted to strangers, celebrities, or mere acquaintances? You may be demisexual, and you’ll also have a lot in common with asexual people if you are._ (Well, I know Louis and I’ve only been sexually attracted to her after I started to get to know her, so possibly and I’ve never felt sexually attracted to anyone before).



I then google gray-sexuality, which is when a person feels a sexual drive under certain conditions like love and demisexuality, which is where a person has no sexual attraction until they know the person emotionally or romantically and both sexualities are on the asexual spectrum.

After googling all these different sexualities, I just need some time to think and process all the information, while I enjoy my coffee, which is probably done by now. So, I put my phone back into my pocket and pour a cup of coffee in my favourite mug, a black one that turns pink with red hearts when something warm is poured in it. I take my warm mug into the living room, where I sit down on the couch and just stare into thin air while sipping my coffee and thinking about my orientation.

Demisexual, sounds like me, but how do I find out? Maybe there’s a test you can take to figure it out. I sit up abruptly to fish out my phone and google it. I find a test and I answer all the questions. The answer is conclusive: I am demisexual. Well, that actually helped me figure out exactly what I am because I was having doubts and this gave me a better idea of what I am. I’m very relieved to finally know what my sexuality is and who I am because this kind of helps me realise who I was before the rape and what changed about me after it happened. I’ve never really been the type to watch porn or be sexually attracted to a guy walking by. I’ve never really had friends to be attracted to and I’ve never been attracted to my current friends, which are boys. I’ve never seen them as anything but friends, no matter how hot they looked, they never appealed to me like Lou does, which is kind of strange when you think about it, but that’s the way it is, that’s the way I am. Maybe, I just didn’t find my friends’ personalities attractive like I do Lou’s. I mean, maybe the person has to be in a specific way for me to be attracted to them like I am to Lou. Even though I haven’t been attracted to anyone, I still masturbated before the rape, I am a teenager and those are known to be very horny bastards, although that has been a no-go since the rape. I still feel repulsed by it when my thoughts wander to that horrifying moment. That moment will always haunt me. I just hope it doesn’t haunt me till my dying day.


End file.
